SICKNESS & SURRENDER - Sigourney Belle

SICKNESS & SURRENDER

The past couple of weeks I’ve been really sick. Anxiety, vomiting, purging. Everything is pushing me to learn to surrender at the moment. Even losing my computer at the Gold Coast airport today. Writing is normally my avenue for expressing myself creatively- it’s my channel for moving through what I’m feeling. Not having that, I’m forced to just sit with myself and what I’m feeling. And it’s uncomfortable. An old part of me is dying at the moment… the part of me that can get away with overriding my health and my own boundaries around what I need to thrive, in order to put energy into my business. The sickness I’m currently being confronted with is quite literally forcing me to slow down and rest. And it’s uncomfortable. I LOVE my work. I’m passionate about making a difference. And when that’s taken away from me, it really makes me question my worth. Which is fucking great because it means that I’m still attaching my value to something tangible, outside of myself. And what’s left when you have no anchor point to say “this is who I am?” Well, you’re forced to sit with yourself and check yourself and find those anchor points of self within you. And I can still feel myself grasping, trying to hold on to stop myself from falling. Which is pointless as when something needs to die, it will die regardless. And so you may as well surrender to allowing it to happen. And that’s where I’m at. Surrendering into fully feeling the pain that’s arising in my body and really allowing it to take me into the raw experience of suffering. Of not fighting it and pushing through but being in it and with it. To repattern the feeling that sickness = weakness and something to be overcome but rather to allow it to consume me fully and see what arises when I give it permission to just be there and to show me what it is that I need to know.

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