"I FUCKING HATE YOU" - Sigourney Belle

“I FUCKING HATE YOU”

I F*CKING HATE YOU

F*CK YOU FOR BRINGING ME HERE”.

These are the words that came through me from somewhere deep inside of myself, yesterday, as I uncovered a darkness within me that has been destroying me for some time.

And if I’m going to name it, it’s the part of me that actually doesn’t want to be here because it’s too harsh. The part of me that hates feeling. That hates showing up. The part of me that would rather give up than keep on going. The part of me that’s fucking bitter about being here on Earth. The deepest part of me that longs to go home to a place that’s easy and restful. The part of me that wants to push it all down and ignore it because it’s all too hard. The part of me that is actually really scared. Scared that the pain of separation will never end.

And as I went FULLY into this feeling, being witnessed by someone that was seeing and loving this part of me even though it was terrifying, I started tearing at my hair. “I wanted to hurt myself. I hate myself. I will fucking kill you”… I unmasked the demon which sits almost silently in the darkest cave of my consciousness, constantly telling me that “it’s not worth it”. The voice that keeps me from fully choosing life, over and over again. I bought this voice fully to the light and looked at it straight in the eyes. And I knew in that moment it was time to really choose to show up. To put my desires first because if I didn’t, it would tear me apart and eat me alive. Which is what this voice has been doing.

It’s left me in a mild depression for years, because it tells me that what I want isn’t worth fighting for and has me giving up time and time again. Or not even trying. It keeps me in a cycle of living a half fulfilled life… one where I’m not truly being and creating what I want for myself because I don’t actually want to be here…Or so the voice tells me.

It’s the fight between God and Satan. My inner light and dark. And what’s been missing is the will… the will to fight for what I truly want. And so it’s time to fully choose now… to really want to be here.

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